I'm going to make my password to this something completely random and impossible to memorize so that I'll never use it again. I am doing the same to isaynaturally, naturally. But before I do, I am making one ridiculously long non art related entry.

I believe that I will never be as sad as I was in October of 2007. I was gone from where I called home almost two months. I had already endured a month of the worst school I had ever been to, with 7-8 months to dread. Nick broke up with me, I think for the third time. My best friend of ten years died. The sadness and stress caused me to lose 20 pounds--I couldn't eat if I wanted to. Insomnia lasted well until after Adult Swim was off and regular Cartoon Network programming resumed. I had one real friend at school, Ashley, and a few others who would pretend to be nice, sometimes.

Sammy's death made me NEED my friends, but they were 100 miles away. I remember thinking that I really needed to make sure all my friendships were special, a GOOD. And I remember feeling totally ignored by all of them. The absolute worst thing I could ever imagine finally happened, and no one had anything to say to me. Slowly after the feelings of unappreciation and neglect and general lack of effort, attention, and caring built up, eventually causing me to care about almost no one anymore. No friendship will EVER be as good as the one with Sammy, so I had no tolerance for bad friendships or relationships. I lost all patience and didn't care to understand other points of view. And I still am that way. I had absolutely no room left for anyone to hurt my feelings and when they did I had no reason to hold back any anger or harsh words. Not a care in the world for anyone but Sammy and myself. This includes family.

So yeah. Several people think I am a horrible, mean, awful person. And I can't argue with them. Completely true. 100%. I am disgusting inside. I don't care what people call me anymore because I could say so much worse about myself, it's almost like they are complimenting me sometimes.

The worst part is that naturally I am not like that. My emotions have been extremely fragile since everything happened. No one bothered to help me out, so I did it myself. My own mother never said anything. How could she?

Example. Last week Matt B. asked me to run some drinks to 121 and pour waters. I poured on glass, and it made a little splash onto the other member of the party, who laughed. I told Matt and he got really upset and was like "SERSIOULY?" Woah, sorry, I'm not even supposed to be running anything, but I was happy to help you out, and it wasn't even an incident. The rest of the night I wanted to go home and cry because he got mad at me for nothing. And that is basically how most of my week goes. The TINIEST comment can make or break my day.

Lala has been especially bad lately. My 2nd interview for ConRev is Friday and I hope I get that job. Then Lala will stop being mean and Michelle can move in! I think I would be a lot happier having Michelle to hang out with like all the time. I wish I could see Ashley more often too.

I was trying to clean my room because I Luke didn't answer his phone and I don't know what else to do since sleep is not an option. Today was probably the last time I will ever speak to Nick Scobba. I am 18 years old and will most likely go another 60 years, never talking to or seeing him again. And that is almost as bad as the day I saw Yvette's number and knew what was coming. Lala keeps saying your first love is always hard to let go of, but he's not my first love. People do not know what the speak of.

He said "For realies." That basically sums up the entire part of his personality that I wish would die in a fire, leaving the rest. Such a teenage, careless personality. It's almost mind control. Has he ever thought for himself? It's in this paragraph that I relinquish all hope. I really was over it, and I really did want to be friends, just friends. That's when the good times were, no matter what was going to happen after.

But I've still got Bobby. I don't give up on that yet just because I don't know him that well. I don't know what could happen. It doesn't matter most of the time.

I want to know more people like John and Morgan.

Right now I am all fetus faced from crying. Here's something I'm sure no one knows. When I am at home and really anxious, like waiting for a bad text message or phone call or something, I sit in the bathroom and pop my pimples. Well hell Julie, that must last you a long time because your face is normally covered in them! Hate to say it, but two days ago my fae was perfectly clear. When I am freaking out I just pick at my face until it bleeds. Much better than punching myself in the face or cutting my wrists. The downside is my sister and Ian think I'm in the bathroom for hours beating off--not the case! I never told anyone that before.

I'm going to delete LJ, and Myspace, and my account on sweetongeeks.com. (Yeah, I signed up for a geeky online matchmaking service just to get attention from boys! And HELL IT WORKED LIKE A CHARM. What a whore you are, Julie! What a fuck up you are, what dumb shit you do, your father's voice still whispers in you. They were all very sweet. Only talked to like 5 dif guys since I signed up on Monday. Not as fun as I expected. I checked the 18-30 range. Mmm). That was a digression! Anyway, it's because they are all unnecessary, and take up too much of my time that I do nothing with. Writing in this is so much easier because I like to pretend Nick will read it, and talking to him is easier than most people, so it transfers into the blogosphere. I only wrote in my new notebook from the time we started talking until we stopped. Haven't felt like lifting a pen since.

I've never had to break up with anyone I really liked before. How was I supposed to handle that situation? Hey, you're awesome but I'm not gonna give you a chance so someone else can ruin my life--again! I couldn't. I wanted to start out as friends. Goddamn.

I'm registering Green, btw. Awesome! Now I can bitch that I'm not actually throwing my vote away, but paving the way for generations to come with a new party system is in order. John Adams, come back from the dead. But really, Cynthia McKinney and Rosa Clemente...just wow. WOW ladies. I am impressed and overjoyed.

The way I am about to lead my life looks pretty simple and nearly meaningless. I'm kind of fed up with meaning. Tired of your symbols and omens. Those damn butterflies still bring trouble. The hummingbird gave me luck. What can I say?

Someday I will do the things I say I will. Eventually I might end up far away.

I am in desperate need of a really good friend. Ashley comes home tomorrow, so then I can be okay.

Sometimes love is a one way street. It's no one's job to pave a road going the opposite direction, it happens after a flow of traffic creates a path going that way. And sometimes it's a five lane highway, and you have to fight to stay ahead. And often times there are forks in the road. Sporks spiknives and knifoons. I've got low gas mileage right now.

Poor fucking Ophelia man. Hamlet was one son of a bitch, and I am glad he ended up dead. He should have told her what was going on. Hey nonny.

Everytime I get sad I am going to remember that snail.